THE HOROSCOPE · CLOSED
- Pick your favorite title - Tell us your birthday - Your zodiac sign decides how many votes you get - You find out how many after it's too late to change anything - The chart is final. Take it up with the cosmos.
This week on the panel is ELijah, Alex Wagner, Alyssa Mastromonaco, and Reid Cherlin!
Closed Jul 17, 2026, 3:00 PM PDT
- ▶ TO: Radicalized by Norwegians95.79 · 57%♑ ×4♊ ×3♌ ×3♉ ×2♏ ×2♐ ×2♒ ×2♈ ×1♋ ×1♍ ×121 VOTERS
- TO: Behold the Male Physique33.29 · 20%♉ ×1♌ ×1♏ ×1♓ ×14 VOTERS
- TO: The Messi Messy Diet15.29 · 9%♉ ×1♌ ×1♎ ×1♐ ×14 VOTERS
- TO: Send Out a Fresh One13.29 · 8%♍ ×1♓ ×12 VOTERS
- TO: A Spritz of a Different Color6.29 · 4%♈ ×1♎ ×12 VOTERS
- TO: The Rear View4.29 · 3%♍ ×1♑ ×12 VOTERS
- TO: Drinking Like the GOAT1.29 · 1%
169.53 VOTES · 35 VOTERS
♏ THE 3 SCORPIO BALLOTS HAVE BEEN UNSEALED AND COUNTED.
THE ELECTORATE, BY SIGN
- ♈ ARIES2 · 6%
- ♉ TAURUS4 · 11%
- ♊ GEMINI3 · 9%
- ♋ CANCER1 · 3%
- ♌ LEO5 · 14%
- ♍ VIRGO3 · 9%
- ♎ LIBRA2 · 6%
- ♏ SCORPIO3 · 9%
- ♐ SAGITTARIUS3 · 9%
- ♑ CAPRICORN5 · 14%
- ♒ AQUARIUS2 · 6%
- ♓ PISCES2 · 6%
THE CHART, DECLASSIFIED
- ♈ ARIES5 VOTESWas already typing a complaint. We caved.
- ♉ TAURUS4 VOTESAll votes are final. Theirs are more final.
- ♊ GEMINI2 VOTESOne vote per twin. The twins disagree.
- ♋ CANCER6.5 VOTESThe half vote is for who they used to be.
- ♌ LEO7 VOTESEasier than arguing. Extra-dramatic reveal included.
- ♍ VIRGO3.000 VOTESReceipt available upon request. It matches.
- ♎ LIBRA1 VOTESplit evenly across every candidate. Perfect balance, zero impact.
- ♏ SCORPIO13 VOTESSealed until close. Counted in the dark.
- ♐ SAGITTARIUS4 VOTESThere were five. One left early to beat traffic.
- ♑ CAPRICORN1 VOTEFollowed the rules. Got exactly what was promised.
- ♒ AQUARIUS1–11 VOTES, RANDOMRandom. Or is it. (It is.)
- ♓ PISCES9 VOTESDreamed this poll before it existed.